I cannot tell you who I am. WHO is a template constructed and reinforced by forces of identity, extrinsically sourced and sculpted, cultivated over extended generations. WHO is an undefinable thing, an impossible thing to speak into. The story of me is a fluid stream of memories carried in my waters, a dream of other nows suspended in perception. What does it mean that I have done this or that? You are the one that makes meaning of my story, however I shape it. All that we are is folded into our perceptions forming a lens through which to know. All we know is inside a context, a context of experience, and this context is utterly mysterious.
You may ask, WHAT am I? A more compelling question and a lifetime of unending answers. Pages, reams of words pour forth to describe all that I am. And, this WHAT is ours, a shared space, a communal ocean, a landscape of crossing footprints, a field of mindspace and unalterable interconnection. The WHAT of me is the WHAT of you and HERE we meet in our HOW. I cannot tell you who I am, or what I am or even HOW I am as I am the shared organism, WE, a vast and insurmountable truth thrumming between our hearts.
The HOW I am is between the making and unmaking in the constant flux of particle and wave. I cannot locate it. I cannot speak it. It is my nameless home.
So, HERE becomes my source point and in the HERE-ing I deepen my me into WE. I am experiencing these Spring days of 2023 as an exquisite dissolution, a dissolve of the highest alchemy, a refinement that distills me in Grace. Everywhere I see and feel my family, a borderless truth, a boundless Love. I am under, so far down in wetlands and swamp waters, in soft mud of primordial life. I am fathoms under the surface of sea in dark waters listening to whispers of the dead. I am buoyant vapors of atmosphere drifting across demarcation lines, slipping up nostrils of elephant and fox, small girlchild and solider. I will not resist this undoing of me, a me that is shadow, that is in-culture-ated, that is fabricated, that is told she is separate. This perceived ultimate threat is our salvation. To HERE is to recognize the truth of our shared being of Love. To HERE is to commit to living the questions, foregoing the need for answers first. Answers are the nameless experience of consciousness only found in the thrashing beauty of opening your heart wider.
©2023 Sabine Mead
